Sep 2010
there you stood, on the edge of your feather
29/09/10 10:49
Sometimes you hear, fifth-hand, As epitaph:
He chucked up everything And just cleared off,
And always the voice will sound
Certain you approve
This audacious, purifying,
Elemental move.
I’d go today.
I’m feeling claustrophobic. The neighbour is mowing his lawn, there are men working up the street.
And I want to get in my car and drive away. Away somewhere, anywhere. I want to drive away from how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking.
something happened. and I’m back, thinking about the floor. and I’m thinking, dangerously: I Vant to be alone.
And they are right, I think.
We all hate home
And having to be there:
I detest my room,
It's specially-chosen junk,
The good books, the good bed,
And my life, in perfect order:
So to hear it said
He walked out on the whole crowd
Leaves me flushed and stirred,
Like Then she undid her dress
Or Take that you bastard;
Surely I can, if he did?
And that helps me to stay
Sober and industrious.
But I'd go today....
I’m faced with tragedy and, at this moment, it’s too much for me to handle.
I can’t shake it. its sticking to me. and I’m getting that feeling again, like I’m wrapped up in saran wrap.
see through, but dulled to the senses, and no one can get in.
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the proper object of loyalty
28/09/10 11:35
UCLA psychologists have determined for the first time that a gene linked with physical pain sensitivity is associated with social pain sensitivity as well.
Their study indicates that variation in the mu-opioid receptor gene (OPRM1), often associated with physical pain, is related to how much social pain a person feels in response to social rejectionThe findings give weight to the common notion that rejection "hurts" by showing that a gene regulating the body's most potent painkillers — mu-opioids — is involved in socially painful experiences too, said study co-author Naomi Eisenberger, UCLA assistant professor of psychology and director of UCLA's Social and Affective Neuroscience Laboratory.
The dorsal anterior cingulate cortex and anterior insula are brain regions often associated with the distress of physical pain. Previous research by Eisenberger and her colleagues has shown that these brain regions are also involved in the pain of social rejection.
"Although it has long been suggested that mu-opioids play a role in social pain — and there are convincing animal models that show this — this is the first human study to link this mu-opioid receptor gene with social sensitivity in response to rejection," Eisenberger said.
Eisenberger argues that this overlap in the neurobiology of physical and social pain makes good sense.
"Because social connection is so important, feeling literally hurt by not having social connections may be an adaptive way to make sure we keep them," she said. "Over the course of evolution, the social attachment system, which ensures social connection, may have actually borrowed some of the mechanisms of the pain system to maintain social connections."
~Shelley E. Taylor, UCLA distinguished professor of psychology, is also a co-author on the paper.
Isolating and shutting people out causes us physical pain. It’s a fact.
it’s cruel. it’s the antithesis of kindness.
which is why it is something that I will never choose to do.
we are more evolved than that.
top 5 regrets of the dying
09/09/10 22:06
Bronnie Ware is a writer, singer/songwriter, songwriting teacher and speaker from Australia. She has lived nomadically for most of her adult life. Bronnie shares her inspiring observations and the insights gained along the way through the diversity of her work. To read more of her articles and learn about her other work, please visit Inspiration and Chai at http://www.inspirationandchai.com.
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
Always go To the house that is loaded With tales asking to be told
09/09/10 08:15
this weekend, there were 9 children in my house. running around, eating pie, being funny... at one point, I was holding one of them and four others were in my bed, and they happily declared to their parents that they were moving in with me.
and at that moment I wondered, where is my family? why the hell am I alone?
I know that I’ve focused on my career and I’ve travelled.... but, why am I here, in this home, by myself?
I am warm and loving and generous and honest and fun, so what’s wrong with me?
It must be me, it must be something I’ve done, somewhere along the line, I must have gone off course.
I had a strange dream last night. It was hazy, but real, more like a memory of an overheard conversation. in that it came it bits and pieces...
a man was showing me a book (I know what book it was, but I’m not going to tell you, because it’s embarrassing) he was so sad and he was saying- I just want life to be like it is in this book...
and I knew that was the life that I would be happy in too. but for whatever reason, I couldn’t say it. I was too busy being confounded and trying to understand why he didn’t see it, why he didn’t see that what he wanted was meant to be with me.
maybe it’s just all about timing. maybe we have no choice. maybe it’s all fate and timing.
but really, I don’t want to believe that. that’s the lazy way of looking at things. I want to believe that we have more control that that....
it’s not just all fate and circumstance.
hello, september
01/09/10 08:53
how did this happen? I need to stretch out the seams of the day and add in just a couple more hours...
summer, where did you go?
one day last week I looked down at myself and realized that I had been wearing the same clothes for over 24 hours... I hadn’t noticed. I was just going, going, going; like a kitten racing around the house, and then crashing out wherever, in whatever position to sleep and then bouncing up and tear-assing around some more...
I have a lot going on right now. I need more time to do everything that I want to do and I want to put in %150 into the case I am working on... I should delegate more, but frankly, I don’t want to... maybe that makes me a control freak, but maybe it’s just ‘cause I need to make sure that the details are handled perfectly, as perfectly as possible. because this is important to me. I need another person just like me, because I am doing the work of about 3 people right now...
I know that if I were to give advice to someone else, I’d tell them to take time off, to take more time for myself, that it’s not going to fall apart if I don’t oversee every. little. detail.
but, I’ve never been very good at taking my own good advice.
