I’m spent.

I know I should write some really positive things that people want to read...
I get better feedback from saying the positive things... but, I’m spent.

that’s the cost of doing what I do.
in order for this to work, I need to give everything I have, everything in me to it.

(don’t try to tell me otherwise- because you have no idea)

and I have yet to meet someone who can give even a fraction of what I give. I’ve yet to meet someone who knows how to give back to me.

my well is a deep one.

but, truthfully, I’m starting to scrape bottom again.

I’m reaching out, where I can, for help... but, as usual I’m asking the wrong people.

(I’m like the cat who will go after the one person who doesn’t like cats, in a room full of people seeking my attention... I go for the people who are allergic)

but I feel it. it’s getting bad again. I need some interaction. I need it, soon. something that isn’t about work. I need to get some hope and life back in the well. I need some perspective.


because this won’t work without me.

I just googled “how to be a better person”.

I often wonder if I’m a good person.
I know that i’m honest, I’m open and that I work really hard to help people. I always put others before myself.
but I never return calls and I suck at returning emails. I think about staying in touch, but I’m bad at actually doing it. I feel badly about that.

I’m no good at small talk. I’m great at making conversation, but I’m really only interested in talking about really deeply personal things. I’m more comfortable in that realm. I’m better with intensity.
I am quiet or I am intense. I don’t understand casual.
I’ve never been very good at the middle ground. which can get me into trouble... because I dig in, it’s easy for me to dig in.
I have no interest in telling you about my day. I am so much more interested in what you are feeling, and what people think. I’m interested what people dream about and what they want.
everything else seems... trivial.
people talking about their days and what they eat and what they do for exercise bores me to the point of irritation.
I’d rather be alone forever than have to have those conversations. and thinking those thoughts makes me wonder if I’m a bad person...

and then I wonder if that really matters.