My Dad’s will arrived in the mail today. My Dad’s will arrived quietly in the mail on a cold Wednesday in November.

it’s unbearable. I can’t bear it. I literally can’t fathom or comprehend this. I’m sitting here shaking, wearing two big sweaters, yet frozen straight through.

There is no making sense of this paper that sits on my desk.
I can’t expect that you would understand.

there is no sense of it.

I get up every day and I am loved by my amazing man and I go to an amazing place to work. This has been my year, and in this- I am blessed. I am blessed because if this had happened in the couple years before…I don’t think I would have made it. I’ve gone back, up and down and over looking for some signs and clues as to why… and I have not found it. but what I can find and can see is that if this was any other time- I don’t think I would have survived.

I wonder what I’m being tested and prepared for. I wonder what’s next.
I wonder why I’ve been given this amazing man. Why I’ve been given this amazing job- that just so happens to be located in the same small town where my psychotic stalker lives with the sicko who abused me… I wonder why I am reminded of this daily, by pure proximity and by the stories that circulate in these parts.
I wonder why I am in this small town where I hear and know more than I acknowledge, the place where I listen and button my lip…. what kind of lesson is this?
Its the good with the bad, over and over.

it’s the funeral and the wedding, the job and the stalker- all occupying the same space. it’s the little things that build and culminate.
it’s the last will and testament arriving in the mail on a wednesday night.