Have our relationships helped us grow? Do our careers make us happy? Did we really need to be mean to that person?
Needs and opinions will be passionately expressed. Past doubts and painful memories will need to be actively resolved.

I’m learning that buried deep within the murky darkness, there exists a world in me that shines.

it’s a choice, how I look at the world, how I look at myself.
there are so many choices...
Selfish or compassionate, involved or distant, accepting or judgmental. dark or light. nice, mean, objective, subjective.
its a choice.
every moment we have a choice.

sometimes knowing that can be overwhelming....

and sometimes others peoples choices can overwhelm us, confound and confuse us.

the work we’ve completed doesn’t exhaust us, it’s the work we have yet ahead of us that we find exhausting.

sometimes life doesn’t fit quite right.
it’s too small. too big.
it fits right in one place, but not in another.
sometimes the timing is off, a beat is skipped, things veer of course, degree by degree, and before we know it,
we’re totally lost.

I want to be able to do more than I am able to. I want to be better and stronger and more capable. tireless. I want to be some kind of superhero of compassion. I want to be able to save the world.
and I’m just realizing that I can’t. I can’t do it.

I’ve been having a hard time.
these past few months have been hard. really hard.

and I started to wonder if something was wrong with me. some faulty circuits or neuropathways... or maybe it was something from the past, or maybe it was something about my relationships?
I started to blame and feel resentful and confused and exhausted...
people would talk to me and I wouldn’t hear them. I stopped returning calls and messages. stopped listening to voicemail I stopped reading my mail. I withdrew, didn’t go out. people wold ask me for things and I’d shut them out.
I just wanted quiet. stillness and quiet.
I just couldn’t take anymore.

and I felt guilty about that. I feel guilty about that.

I should help. I should listen, I shouldn’t ask for help, I shouldn’t lose my temper. I should be better, more tolerant, stronger. I should be working all of the time. I should be able to handle this, all of it.
There’s no one else. I have to.

and then I just bottomed out. totally.

I have compassion fatigue.
or, “Secondary traumatic stress disorder” (if you want to be formal about it).

Some people feel that developing secondary trauma is a sign of weakness, but if you really care about others, trauma will affect you. It is normal to be affected by trauma. Graphic descriptions of victimization or suffering can leave lasting impressions on our hearts and minds.
People who work directly with trauma can also experience secondary trauma. Nurses and physicians, emergency personnel, therapists, can all be deeply affected by what they see and hear.

A therapist gave me this handout and asked if I had any of these symptoms:

If you think you might have secondary trauma, look for these symptoms:
·Anger
·Constent feelings of stress and anxiety
·Depression
.Despondency
·Sadness
.Feelings of hopelessness
·Low self-esteem
·Emotional exhaustion
·Trouble making decisions
·Difficulty concentrating
·Difficulty remembering things
·Fatigue
·Headaches or body aches
·Changes in sleep habits
·Changes in eating habits
·Increase in addictive behaviors
·Withdrawing from others

Any of them? try ALL of them. that’s it, that’s me. exactly.

There is some kind of strange relief when you find out that there is a label to a problem. it normalizes things somehow, it makes it feel not so strange or alone or hopeless.
just knowing this, is making me feel better.

i’ve had to make some changes.

it’s not that people ask too much- it’s that I take on too much. I take on more than I can handle.
it’s like I’ve been trying to run a marathon, with a broken leg.

I’ve had to admit that I can’t do as much as I want to. I have to admit that I’m not as strong and as capable as I want to be-
which has it’s own challenges- as being someone who in many ways defines herself by her work- this is a challenge.
but it’s also a relief. like the wave has crashed down, and I can exhale. there is a breaking point, my capacity is not limitless.

so, I won’t be taking your calls for a little while longer. I won’t be going it alone anymore. I am going to turn off the bad news. I am going to work a normal schedule. I am going to collect myself.

and I am going to try to not give myself a hard time about it.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

-- by Max Ehrmann

I am climbing my way back up.
on stacks of books. paper letters. bright mornings. warm bodies. hot coffee. red wine. clean sheets. flowers, flattery, compliments and promises of happiness.