“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you”
-Charlie Brown to Snoopy

I’m hopeful. we’re doing well. she’s doing well. I really feel for the first time in a long time that she is going to be okay, that she has a chance anyways. she is starting to shine through. it’s a relief.
I can see the relief in the family’s faces when they come to visit us and they see the subtle shifts in her. the smiles and the little jokes, the prolific amount of artwork that she is producing... bright and colorful landscapes.
we’re doing well. as well as we can.

i know that I am so much happier when I can be in the moment. when I can appreciate the things that are in front of me. when I’m not wanting or wishing for something else, to be somewhere else, to feel something else.
when I’m in those moments, where I can just be wherever I am, it’s so much better. I am so much better in those moments.
but my mind is geared to wander, what if, what if... what if there were more, what if I felt something else, what if this is wrong, what if we were warmer, what if we were someplace else, what if we could bend time...
my mind wants to wander into the cracks in the pavement, the faults and the dangers.

it’s always worse when I’m alone. or when it’s quiet, when I can’t sleep and I’m laying there, my mind wanders.

sometimes I remember to pull it back, sometimes I can do that, and sometimes I can’t, or won’t...
(and I’m not sure what comes first, the thoughts, or the feelings) but it always ends up feeling the same, it always ends up in the same place. anxious, awkward, uncomfortable. those thoughts make everything feel wrong.
because if we looks for the faults, if we look for something wrong, we WILL find something. we will always find something to confirm our hypothesis. something or some feeling that we poke and prod at (like biting our cheek and tonguing it over and over to feel the pain) to confirm that we are right that we don’t deserve to be happy, to confirm that we are right that something has to be wrong.

what if we did the opposite... what if I do the opposite... and look for what is right and good, look for what feels good and happy. think instead of laughing and all the good things (that really do carry more weight and time and space than the bad). think about being the happiest I can be where I am and what I am doing...
that is what I want to hold on to, that is what I want to think about in those dark or quiet moments.
I want to do that, I want to be that way.

I forget that people actually read this. I forget that some people read this and they can’t see the context of me behind the page, or that I sometimes use this space as a forum to write out those thoughts that tumble around in the dark corners, the ones that we don’t usually shine the light on...

I need to tell you that I am okay and that I am not one to break before I bend.

it’s just that sometimes I need to vent my frustrations.

I used to work at a place where I was surrounded by the kindest and most understanding people, possibly in the whole world. I’m not kidding, the nicest people in the world. and I knew that at any time if I was up against something that I couldn’t handle on my own, I didn’t have to, because someone would be either right next door, or on the other end of the phone; and they would know exactly what I was talking about, and exactly what we needed. it was a community, a family.
I miss that.

working in solitude is hard, it’s difficult. it’s difficult because I sincerely love my work and I love the patients I work with and I love their families and sometimes I want to do more for them than I am able to do on my own. it’s frustrating because I know the difference... I know how different it could be. it’s frustrating for me to try to reach out for services , for help and to be met with apathy. People often mean well, they just don’t understand. We want to save a life and we’re met with waiting lists and paperwork and admission standards and criteria...
I know that I do whatever I can, but sometimes, the machine wears me down. Not the kids, not them- but the bureaucracy, the system we face, that wears me down. Especially when I know that there is hope, if people are given the chance, given some love and patience, there is so much hope.
I know it, because I’ve seen it.

I’m seeing it.

lately it seems that little miracles are blooming. a call at just the right time, a letter, a message, an email, a friend. it seems as though whatever prayers I’ve sent out are being answered and it feels good.
it reminds me that it’s good to ask for help, it reminds me that I am never alone, not really.

thank you.

are you happy
how do you know
how do you know when you are happy
how do you quantify it how do you qualify it

I was happy last saturday.

that was a good day. a really good day. a day that I will file away and keep.
I keep those moments, those days when I know I am happy. and sometimes I take them out and I think about them.
I don’t take those memories for granted, I’m aware. I’m grateful. because I know that those moments ride like waves.

happiness is not a straight line.
it ebbs and it flows.

sometimes I wonder where it goes, I wonder where those good feelings go. I wonder what happens in the moments between the bed and the shower...
maybe it’s a memory, a line, a call, a message, a reminder. small tokens of hope or doubt...
those are the little pebbles on the road that jump up and crack the windshield.

a flickr of discomfort that grows to a flame by the time you walk from one room to another.

the happiness isn’t at fault. it isn’t us. it isn’t me, not really. it’s other things.
it’s life.
it’s sleeplessness and angst and history and options... and the allure of options.
I know. I understand (I’m practical in that way).

sometimes life feels like walking a tightrope.
like a tumble waiting to happen.

sometimes it’s exciting, exhilarating, strange and fun. as long as you don’t look down. as long as you keep your balance.
as long as you don’t start with the what if, what ifs...
as long as you just keep walking, keep your head up, it’s okay.
it’s going to be okay.

sometimes I find myself negotiating with god, or the universe, or.... whatever.
I ask: can I please get through the day without anything bad happening. I ask: can I please get through the week without bad news, without more stress or worry, without unnecessary complication, without some strange reason for me to want to take off or give in.

because sometimes I just feel like I can’t take it and so I ask, I pray.
and sometimes it works.

and then sometimes I don’t think about it at all. because sometimes I am purely happy and grateful and in the moment. and things are good and smooth and warm and nice.
until inevitably I forget, and I look down, and I think about falling.

look up. keep your head up.

I watched the hockey game last night.
it stressed me out.
they all move so fast and just one shot, a split second could make all the difference. one shot made all the difference.
I watched the interview with Sidney Crosby after the game and he said that he didn’t even remember making the shot, he said that he just had an opportunity and he seized it.
I wonder what makes us take some opportunities, and make some decisions. I wonder how we get by when life sometimes just seems to be series upon series of luck and accidents and listening or ignoring the little whispers in our ears...

I wonder what is that thing that pulls us back from the curb just in time, or tells us to turn this way or that, or to take the next flight... what makes us listen to the wisdom of strangers, or to the little voice in the back of our minds...?
and I wonder what makes us at times not listen. what makes us think we know better?

I don’t know...