I start should meditating.

I saw Sheryl Crowe on Dr. Oz today and she said that she was diagnosed with cancer 6 days after she was dumped by Lance Armstrong.
She said that meditation helped her get through it.
she said that it “changes your molecular structure”.

and then I thought. ... shit.
at this point, my “molecular structure” probably looks like Courtney Love’s liver.

cause, my mental state these days- is pretty much the antithesis of “meditative”.

people say: you should say “no” more. you should just say no. look after yourself, stop looking after other people.

tell me how to do that? how to say no. it takes something I don’t have to be able to say no. that’s not something that I understand. I don’t know if I want to understand.

there are those who need, those who take, and those who give.

which camp would you rather be in?

Resentment can be self-diagnosed by looking for signs such as the need for emotion regulation, such as faking happiness while with a person to cover true feelings toward them or speaking in a sarcastic or demeaning way to or about the person. It can also be diagnosed through the appearance of agitation- or dejection-related emotions, such as feeling inexplicably depressed or despondent, becoming angry for no apparent reason, or having nightmares or disturbing daydreams about a person.

I’ve been waking up in cold panics from nightmares that someone has broken into my house.

I’ve been struggling with feelings of violation.
and I’m feeling the very uncomfortable feelings of resentment.
I’m saying and thinking mean thoughts, because I’m upset and I’m mad.
I don’t like this.
I don’t like being like this, acting like this, or feeling like this.

I’m feeling that I’ve been foolish. I’m feeling depressed.
and then I cycle back to logic, thinking that I have no right to be upset because I’m not owed anything.
It’s my own fault.
but I’m embarrassed.
I’m embarrassed to think that I was a prop, a stopgap and a distraction. again. and so I feel resentful, and then I lash out.
and at the same time, I’m terribly sad that someone who I believed was one of my greatest supports and favorite friends has chosen to forget me and happily move along.
I’m embarrassed that I’m so easy to leave. and so I lash out.

I wish I could be a better person and be happy for them during this phase, this upswing. I wish I could be better, graceful, and not think the things I am thinking... I wish I wasn’t compelled to say the things I am saying, and not to write and erase the things I’m writing, and not to seek validation that I’m seeking.
I wish I wouldn’t go over the past and that I would stop thinking about all the reasons why I think I’m better.

because that only makes me worse.

sensitive people often have to fight off self destructive tendencies.
why? I don’t know why, not exactly.
maybe it’s guilt or pressure. maybe it’s being overwhelmed. maybe it’s some kind of reflection of the world turned inward.
we take it in. all of it.

it takes a lot to be able to turn it around. to take whatever’s seeped in and to push it out.
sometimes it feels like like just one more bad thing could break you. and it’s exhausting to hold up the walls.

I don’t want anymore than I have. I want less.
I don’t want to have anymore, or to take anymore. I don’t want to own anyone, or to possess anyone. I just want to be able to accept things as they are, people as they are, for who they are and where they are. no more, no less. no changing or fixing.

and I want the same in return

Certain people have a way of saying things that shake us at the core. Even when the words do not seem harsh or offensive, the impact is shattering. What we could be experiencing is the intent behind the words.

When we intend to do good,
we do.

When we intend to do harm,
it happens.

What each of us must come to realize is that our intent always comes through. We cannot sugarcoat the feelings in our heart of hearts. The emotion is the energy that motivates. We cannot ignore what we really want to create. We should be honest and do it the way we feel it. What we owe to ourselves and everyone around is to examine the reasons of our true intent.

~Thurgood Marshall